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17 November 2016 @ 10:57 pm

Now seemed like a good time for this entry, so here goes.

It's not that I even feel like this journal matters anymore. If it ever had a purpose, it isn't fufilling that anymore. I chose to write tonight mostly becase I came to the realization that none of my friends care to hear me talk about my on-going existential crisis anymore. I feel like my ability to deeply connect with people has phased out entirely. Probably because I'm a broken record and I've been stuck in the same loop forever while others progress into some version of their potential futures. This has brought on a deadening loniliness in me that I can't quite explain.

Before I get lost into how I feel right now, it's worth noting how I'm doing. Much to my own surprise I'm actually doing "well" in a certain sense, although perhaps that is not the best way to word it because my percieved definitions of the adjectives that define those sort of emotions are skewed. I have a job. A job that beats the shit out of me more than anything I've ever done before, and I keep showing up. That's the amazing part, really. That I keep showing up. I finally ran out of places to run. I knew it was going to happen at some point and it finally happened! It happened just as abruptly as I assumed it would some day. I finally got backed into that corner I had been dreading for so many years and I had to either face the problem or choose certain failure and eventual death. When you don't have money to pay for a roof you are left with limited options, all of which suck. You can't buy food either, and again there are alternatives that also suck. The same goes for most things... you CAN get them for free but you can hardly consider that lifestyle "living" unless you are one of the few gifted with ignorance or a very good sense of self reliance. I have neither of those so, fuck me, right? I also don't have the mental stability to live at the bottom rung of the ladder... So I got a job and I keep showing up so I don't die or have to live in a worse hell than I already live in.

For a while this was supposed to be the answer to my problems. If I just had a job, and my own place, and money... then I would be happy. But I didn't think of how unspecific those 3 things really were in a general sense. I have a job, but it's miserable, it hurts my morals to even be a part of such a disaster. If I had pride before I don't anymore. I have my own palces but I need a roomate. I don't really have privacy, and even when I did at first all I felt like was lonely and afraid of every snapping and creaking sound the trailer I live in made. I have money, but it's all gone before I can spend it and it's not even enough to live well. Not even when I'm being paid above minimum wage and splitting costs of everything. This is a joke, right? This entire year is a joke. I won't even get started on Trump. The world is imploding or something because this year has been the twilight zone of my life. Reality is so much stranger than I could ever have imagined and it seems to get more convoluted the longer it goes on for. Nearly every close friend I had as a child now has kids or is going to have kids soon. Whereas I feel stuck locked in the past somewhere  and forced to watch the future play out around me. Time is going by faster and faster to the point where reality feels tilted forward. 4th dimensional gravity! Or something...

It hurts to be in this part of my life. I am too busy to feel depression. I know I am depressed but I can't properly let it out becasue there aren't enough minutes in the day to make room for crying in my schedule. I feel empty now, like I'm on auto-pilot becasue my survival instincts demand I stay alive for who knows what unfufilling reason. The universe might have something really great planned for me later, I try to convince myself. When really, I could just choke on a green bean after 80 years of living a miserable and pointless existence and die completly unsatisfied with any of it. I am not even sure that's something I'm willing to stick around and find out about. But I probably will try regardless because of that survival instinct shit.

If there is one lesson I have learned from life this year it is this:

They lied when they said it gets better. They knew they were lying.

10 June 2016 @ 11:15 am

It has been a year since I last wrote in here. At the time, I was struggling with the fact that life still hadn't gotten to a comfortable place for me, I was upset that I still had nothing good to report on LJ after all this time... today I can change that.

I decided to write today becasue changes have occured that I can truly be proud of... for the first time in so long! So, in the time since my last entry I have accomplished a few really important tasks. Almost exactly 1 year ago I quit Fentanyl, the major contributor to my opiate addiction. I was never sure that day would come and yet here I am, not having done any Fent in a year! I still have a bit of problem with pills but I've slowed to a very low dosage and I have yet to solve the anxiety behind it.
MOST IMPORTANTLY I got a FUCKING JOB! YES! ME! A JOB! Wow, right? It all happened so fast, too. Walmart hired me very quickly. I have struggled everyday to drag myself in and it has paid off. Im one of the most valuable members on the team according to my boss. That's an honor for me, I'm excelling in an area in my life which I've only ever done poorly in. Big fucking deal for me.

What sealed the deal, and what really solidified my place in this new life was the purchase of my new 2DS and my trip to Nashua yesterday. I actually paid for a game system and gas money to travel for the first time in longer than i remember. I actually earned myself some comfort.

I hope this trend continues, it's great to have something good to write here. Im still quite sick in the head, my anxiety is going strong, but I'm fighting back now.

04 July 2015 @ 02:50 am

2:44am and I am drinking a beer on July 4th. Not a great day... a weird day.

Erika had a bouncy house for the weekend so she invited me over for a bit and I played with her kids a while. I'm so uncomfortable about this... the fact that she gets close to me sometimes then other times she sends different signals. I'm not sure if this is going to work out, I don't think she really wants me around and I don't think I'm emotionally stable enough to be around her if she's not on the same page as me. I love her kids, they are great... but I'm not sure where this is going and it weighs heavy on my heart.

Also, my 2 best friends are leaving. We had an adventure planned... me and Jason and Kyle and Chris were going to mine for gold and just start something new. Instead Chris is moving to NC tomorrow to be with Kyle and tonight Jason got offered a place to stay in Lyman with a friend. I'm left here in Littleton still alone.... ugh. All my summer plans are gone now. I dunno what I'm going to do to stay sane now.

It's late and it's been a very long day. I should go to bed because atm I'm buzzed, I'm stoned, I'm emotional about whats happened today and I feel pretty strange. Everyone else is going on adventures and starting anew and I'm still stuck here hating my life and being lonely. I just want to get the fuck away from here, I hate this place.

28 June 2015 @ 10:20 am

It has been a pretty cool week.


- Boat ride with Erika at the lake

- Portal Stories: Mel

- Gay rights added to constitution


- Drugs

- The rain today

- Cigarettes

Lazy entry is lazy.

15 June 2015 @ 02:04 am

Why am I just now discovering the awesomeness of Earthbound? Decided to give it a go, having lots of fun with it!

Not much to say... I went for a long walk in the woods up on Pine Hill/Parker Mountain with Chris and Jason the other day. Just aimlessly followed the confusing tangle of trails, dipping into the woods and bushwhacking for a bit then back onto trails. Did this until dark and aquired about 20+ ticks on the way. Those are in high numbers this year,

I think I'm picking Kyle up from the Burlington Airport (or perhaps Manchester)  on the 4th of July. He's moving back up here to start his gold mining adventure. I hope I'm ready for him coming up... I hope HE is ready to get here. I hope he can get over his nonesense about Jason and Chris so everyone gets along. I don't understand why people have to fight and argue so much. This could either go really well or really badly, we'll see pretty soon I guess.

I didn't really hear much from the one person I really wanted to hear form today... :(

It was hot today, very humid.

I shouldn't be up at 2am. I need to go to bed now. I don't really want to go to bed. I no longer feel comfortable sleeping here... I can't seem to relax. I'm looking forward to spending a night or 2 at the lake, particularly alone so I can relax and take up the entire bed and listen to the loons and frogs while I fall asleep. That sounds nice. I wish I had someone to share it with, though...

Ah well, sleep time.