Now seemed like a good time for this entry, so here goes.
It's not that I even feel like this journal matters anymore. If it ever had a purpose, it isn't fufilling that anymore. I chose to write tonight mostly becase I came to the realization that none of my friends care to hear me talk about my on-going existential crisis anymore. I feel like my ability to deeply connect with people has phased out entirely. Probably because I'm a broken record and I've been stuck in the same loop forever while others progress into some version of their potential futures. This has brought on a deadening loniliness in me that I can't quite explain.
Before I get lost into how I feel right now, it's worth noting how I'm doing. Much to my own surprise I'm actually doing "well" in a certain sense, although perhaps that is not the best way to word it because my percieved definitions of the adjectives that define those sort of emotions are skewed. I have a job. A job that beats the shit out of me more than anything I've ever done before, and I keep showing up. That's the amazing part, really. That I keep showing up. I finally ran out of places to run. I knew it was going to happen at some point and it finally happened! It happened just as abruptly as I assumed it would some day. I finally got backed into that corner I had been dreading for so many years and I had to either face the problem or choose certain failure and eventual death. When you don't have money to pay for a roof you are left with limited options, all of which suck. You can't buy food either, and again there are alternatives that also suck. The same goes for most things... you CAN get them for free but you can hardly consider that lifestyle "living" unless you are one of the few gifted with ignorance or a very good sense of self reliance. I have neither of those so, fuck me, right? I also don't have the mental stability to live at the bottom rung of the ladder... So I got a job and I keep showing up so I don't die or have to live in a worse hell than I already live in.
For a while this was supposed to be the answer to my problems. If I just had a job, and my own place, and money... then I would be happy. But I didn't think of how unspecific those 3 things really were in a general sense. I have a job, but it's miserable, it hurts my morals to even be a part of such a disaster. If I had pride before I don't anymore. I have my own palces but I need a roomate. I don't really have privacy, and even when I did at first all I felt like was lonely and afraid of every snapping and creaking sound the trailer I live in made. I have money, but it's all gone before I can spend it and it's not even enough to live well. Not even when I'm being paid above minimum wage and splitting costs of everything. This is a joke, right? This entire year is a joke. I won't even get started on Trump. The world is imploding or something because this year has been the twilight zone of my life. Reality is so much stranger than I could ever have imagined and it seems to get more convoluted the longer it goes on for. Nearly every close friend I had as a child now has kids or is going to have kids soon. Whereas I feel stuck locked in the past somewhere and forced to watch the future play out around me. Time is going by faster and faster to the point where reality feels tilted forward. 4th dimensional gravity! Or something...
It hurts to be in this part of my life. I am too busy to feel depression. I know I am depressed but I can't properly let it out becasue there aren't enough minutes in the day to make room for crying in my schedule. I feel empty now, like I'm on auto-pilot becasue my survival instincts demand I stay alive for who knows what unfufilling reason. The universe might have something really great planned for me later, I try to convince myself. When really, I could just choke on a green bean after 80 years of living a miserable and pointless existence and die completly unsatisfied with any of it. I am not even sure that's something I'm willing to stick around and find out about. But I probably will try regardless because of that survival instinct shit.
If there is one lesson I have learned from life this year it is this:
They lied when they said it gets better. They knew they were lying.