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Josh
04 March 2018 @ 11:01 am

I'm not even sure how to start this post out because I am beyond excited to write this here... in 10 days I am going to visit Kirsten. Yes, that Kirsten. The Kirsten I spent many a night up late talking to online or posting about in here! It only took 14 years but THIS IS HAPPENING! There are so many feels going through my head about this and I'm going to try to fit them in here. First off, I should explain how the past year has gone.

Well, a lot has happened since I last posted here about a year ago. At the time of my last post I was still single, still working at Walmart and slowly trying to gain momentum in my life. I got into a short-lived and disastrous relationship with a sweet girl named Katrina. Needless to say she was a little nuts and has some growing to do and I wasn't going to be of any help with that. I stayed single for a bit after that and eventually purchased my first video game console... the Nintendo Switch! This stole my life for a while and it continues to be a very entertaining game console. At the end of last summer Donald Trump became president (thatactuallyhappened) and I met a girl at work, Virginia. Which brings me to my next story.

The girl I met at work was on the shift following mine at Walmart. I had a small crush on her as a kid and that is what initially attracted me to her. From what I had heard about her I wasn't sure how good of an idea it was. In all honesty, all I really wanted was to get laid. She came to visit me one day late in the summer and we started a movie and ended up making out for about 2 hours. That was the closest I had gotten to feeling lifted in my heart in a very long time. We quickly ended up together. She quickly ended up living here. She just never went home and I didn't put much thought into it. I was happy I had a new friend. I was happy I had someone who seemed to like me for the weird guy I am. She was really sweet to me, she becasme my best friend. Work made time go by fast and I lost track of how quickly time was passing. She moved onto my shift at work which I knew was a bad idea in the back of my mind but at the time it was a bit of a dream come true. Who wouldn't wanna work with their best friend/lover? This carried on for a while until... well, until one day I got home and all her stuff was gone. There was no explination, there were no warnings, there wasn't the vaguest hint that this was going to happen. To make things worse she left me for another one of our co-workers. A Best friend turned into an enemy almost overnight. My head still can't figure it out. In true Josh fashion I quickly descended into depression. I decided not to go back to work, I couldn't handle it. This is where things get real intersting...

So, upon being dumped I did what I always do and run to the internet to find a friend who cares. Of course the first person I always go to is Kirsten. Her and I have kept in contact. Somehow my ranting and raving about Virginia turned into me deciding to take my tax return and buy a bus ticket to NC. How do I describe how I feel about Kirsten... Kirsten is quite possibly the love of my life. I've always had to put a limit on my feelings for her. It was always unreasonable to let it get the best of me, afterall, it was unrealistic. The feelings never left, though. We had sort of a silent agreement, I think. That we were going to live our lives and be with whoever we were going to be with becasue waiting for eachother seemed unrealistic. But we were always going to remain close. Sometimes too close... our friendship caused some speedbumps with my actual relationships here at home. I never felt bad about that either. So here I am, coming back to her again, like I do everytime things don't work out around here. This time felt different. This time I recognized the loop I was caught in. Stuck in littleton going in circles, faling apart and reassembling myself differently but still the same.

I decided it was time to do something different. I decided it was time I left, even for only a few days. What better place to go than to see Kirsten! I'm prone to being spontaneous and this trumps all my other spontaneous ideas for sure. Being spontaneous is way more fun when you actually have money! And for the first time in my life I actually have money. Not a lot... but enough to get there. I realized that, HOLY SHIT, I can afford this! I may be broke and fucked when I get home but fuck, I can afford this! This felt like a pipe dream, like I was losing my mind and triggering a defense mechanism... I didn't think Kirsten would be up for this. Apparently I was wrong.

I pitched this idea to Kirsten and to my surprise she was all for the idea. She set days off work and made preparations and here we are. Actually gonna do this shit. It has been 3 or 4 days since we decided we were gonna do this and in those few days I feel like I have fallen in love with her all over again except a lot harder this time becasue this time I don't need to limit myself, this time I can show her for real how I have felt for so many years. Surprisingly, I think she feels the same way. She's jsut as excited as I am. We keep going on and on about how this is blowing our minds. We can't contain the excitement and it feels like I'm 15 again and it's great. So great that it has almost wiped my memory of how I felt about Virginia. So great that I don't care about going back to Walmart. I am terrified of this trip. My anxieties are through the roof. I have never left anywhere alone before let alone anywhere this distance. I will be in NYC for an hour between busses and my brain can't comprehend this. Fucking NYC... I've grown so comfortable being here where it's quiet and all trees but nah, I'm about to go on a fucking journey. I'm not gonna stagnate anymore, The moment I fell apart I grabbed the glue. That's what life is. Falling apart and putting yourself back together, and as Britt told me the other day "Eventually you will be more glue than anyhting else and you will be unbreakable" and I like this analogy a lot!

I am starting over. Going to find a new job and make new goals and eventually get myself away from NH. I'm going to go meet the love of my life and hopefully have a great time. I'm going to just live my life regardless of the speedbumps. This is great. This is a waking dream. This is a lot of things.

14 years and many relationships later and I still love you the same, Kirsten. And we are gonna spend an entire day just dancing becasue this is great. I think perhaps everything bad that has ever happened will be worth it if this is where I get to end up. I mean that.

 
 
Josh
09 May 2017 @ 09:03 pm

I learned today that a tunnel covering up nuclear waste in the northwest had collapsed, releasing radiation and contaminating the area. They mentioned that the site was once a factory that produced nuclear weapons including the bombs dropped on Hiroshima. The factory has been closed for decades and still hundreds of employees work there on a seemingly endless mission to clean up the nuclear waste that takes thousands of years to decay. I wondered if they even took into account that maybe hundreds of years into the future someone would still be there cleaning up a mess left by an era that would likely only be a footnote in a history book. I wondered if by the time the job is done if anyone still working there will even know what caused the mess in the first place.

Once I have something I don't want it anymore. It makes having things seem meaningless but the drive still exists. I'm not sure why this happens.

Habits make money disappear very quickly. I need habits with beneficial outcomes. Habits with profit.

Maybe it's a problem when you've got a problem and you're addicted to the cure.

Every sip of coffee renews my desire to smoke another cigarette. I should start by drinking less coffee.

Love isn't something you can define. It's not a concept like gravity. It changes along with you. If anything I have more questions now than I ever have in my life. The more I learn, the less I understand. Despite all my attempts at making connections with women there have only bveen a couple that have ever stuck out and only one that seems to stay the same. Sometimes I wonder if that unchanging feeling is what love is.

Remembering the days that felt so long, I miss them.

I only use Windows Media Player to burn CDs. I still burn CDs.

Music genres have become irrelevent.

Drinking wine from the bottle is a good way to drink too much wine.

Drinking too much wine is a good way to forget you have a bed time.

Forgetting you have a bedtime is a good way to screw up your plans for the next day.

Adult life has too many domino effect scenarios. I guess life does in general, but whne you're a kid there are people waiting around to catch the dominos before the whole set falls apart.

I've learned to hate the concept of time, the measurement of time. I always expected it to be like love and stay the same, but it too changes with age. When things are bad time goes on forever, and when you need it most it slips between your fingers like water.

Nobody is going to read this.

That's ok. I just need a way to remember who I was... right now. Becasue I'm getting worse at that. Memory is like love and time.

 
 
Josh
17 November 2016 @ 10:57 pm

Now seemed like a good time for this entry, so here goes.

It's not that I even feel like this journal matters anymore. If it ever had a purpose, it isn't fufilling that anymore. I chose to write tonight mostly becase I came to the realization that none of my friends care to hear me talk about my on-going existential crisis anymore. I feel like my ability to deeply connect with people has phased out entirely. Probably because I'm a broken record and I've been stuck in the same loop forever while others progress into some version of their potential futures. This has brought on a deadening loniliness in me that I can't quite explain.

Before I get lost into how I feel right now, it's worth noting how I'm doing. Much to my own surprise I'm actually doing "well" in a certain sense, although perhaps that is not the best way to word it because my percieved definitions of the adjectives that define those sort of emotions are skewed. I have a job. A job that beats the shit out of me more than anything I've ever done before, and I keep showing up. That's the amazing part, really. That I keep showing up. I finally ran out of places to run. I knew it was going to happen at some point and it finally happened! It happened just as abruptly as I assumed it would some day. I finally got backed into that corner I had been dreading for so many years and I had to either face the problem or choose certain failure and eventual death. When you don't have money to pay for a roof you are left with limited options, all of which suck. You can't buy food either, and again there are alternatives that also suck. The same goes for most things... you CAN get them for free but you can hardly consider that lifestyle "living" unless you are one of the few gifted with ignorance or a very good sense of self reliance. I have neither of those so, fuck me, right? I also don't have the mental stability to live at the bottom rung of the ladder... So I got a job and I keep showing up so I don't die or have to live in a worse hell than I already live in.

For a while this was supposed to be the answer to my problems. If I just had a job, and my own place, and money... then I would be happy. But I didn't think of how unspecific those 3 things really were in a general sense. I have a job, but it's miserable, it hurts my morals to even be a part of such a disaster. If I had pride before I don't anymore. I have my own palces but I need a roomate. I don't really have privacy, and even when I did at first all I felt like was lonely and afraid of every snapping and creaking sound the trailer I live in made. I have money, but it's all gone before I can spend it and it's not even enough to live well. Not even when I'm being paid above minimum wage and splitting costs of everything. This is a joke, right? This entire year is a joke. I won't even get started on Trump. The world is imploding or something because this year has been the twilight zone of my life. Reality is so much stranger than I could ever have imagined and it seems to get more convoluted the longer it goes on for. Nearly every close friend I had as a child now has kids or is going to have kids soon. Whereas I feel stuck locked in the past somewhere  and forced to watch the future play out around me. Time is going by faster and faster to the point where reality feels tilted forward. 4th dimensional gravity! Or something...

It hurts to be in this part of my life. I am too busy to feel depression. I know I am depressed but I can't properly let it out becasue there aren't enough minutes in the day to make room for crying in my schedule. I feel empty now, like I'm on auto-pilot becasue my survival instincts demand I stay alive for who knows what unfufilling reason. The universe might have something really great planned for me later, I try to convince myself. When really, I could just choke on a green bean after 80 years of living a miserable and pointless existence and die completly unsatisfied with any of it. I am not even sure that's something I'm willing to stick around and find out about. But I probably will try regardless because of that survival instinct shit.

If there is one lesson I have learned from life this year it is this:

They lied when they said it gets better. They knew they were lying.

 
 
Josh
10 June 2016 @ 11:15 am

It has been a year since I last wrote in here. At the time, I was struggling with the fact that life still hadn't gotten to a comfortable place for me, I was upset that I still had nothing good to report on LJ after all this time... today I can change that.

I decided to write today becasue changes have occured that I can truly be proud of... for the first time in so long! So, in the time since my last entry I have accomplished a few really important tasks. Almost exactly 1 year ago I quit Fentanyl, the major contributor to my opiate addiction. I was never sure that day would come and yet here I am, not having done any Fent in a year! I still have a bit of problem with pills but I've slowed to a very low dosage and I have yet to solve the anxiety behind it.
MOST IMPORTANTLY I got a FUCKING JOB! YES! ME! A JOB! Wow, right? It all happened so fast, too. Walmart hired me very quickly. I have struggled everyday to drag myself in and it has paid off. Im one of the most valuable members on the team according to my boss. That's an honor for me, I'm excelling in an area in my life which I've only ever done poorly in. Big fucking deal for me.

What sealed the deal, and what really solidified my place in this new life was the purchase of my new 2DS and my trip to Nashua yesterday. I actually paid for a game system and gas money to travel for the first time in longer than i remember. I actually earned myself some comfort.

I hope this trend continues, it's great to have something good to write here. Im still quite sick in the head, my anxiety is going strong, but I'm fighting back now.

 
 
Josh
04 July 2015 @ 02:50 am

2:44am and I am drinking a beer on July 4th. Not a great day... a weird day.

Erika had a bouncy house for the weekend so she invited me over for a bit and I played with her kids a while. I'm so uncomfortable about this... the fact that she gets close to me sometimes then other times she sends different signals. I'm not sure if this is going to work out, I don't think she really wants me around and I don't think I'm emotionally stable enough to be around her if she's not on the same page as me. I love her kids, they are great... but I'm not sure where this is going and it weighs heavy on my heart.

Also, my 2 best friends are leaving. We had an adventure planned... me and Jason and Kyle and Chris were going to mine for gold and just start something new. Instead Chris is moving to NC tomorrow to be with Kyle and tonight Jason got offered a place to stay in Lyman with a friend. I'm left here in Littleton still alone.... ugh. All my summer plans are gone now. I dunno what I'm going to do to stay sane now.

It's late and it's been a very long day. I should go to bed because atm I'm buzzed, I'm stoned, I'm emotional about whats happened today and I feel pretty strange. Everyone else is going on adventures and starting anew and I'm still stuck here hating my life and being lonely. I just want to get the fuck away from here, I hate this place.